Aman’s Lost Days
I feel lost. It's the existential kind where I'm trying to figure out what's next in life but can't seem to settle on anything. I've applied to a variety of jobs and gotten excited about quite a few directions my time could go in. Unfortunately, none of it has panned out. It's a familiar feeling that I've been wrestling with lately. Instead of taking bold steps or making significant changes, I've lounged around, letting days slip by in a haze of inactivity.
It started innocently enough. I told myself I needed a break from travel, some time to relax and recharge. But days turned into weeks, and I was still stuck in the same rut, spending most of my time scrolling through social media, binge-watching TV shows, and napping at odd hours. I told myself I was doing some home projects, but I was lost. It's not just in terms of direction but in a fog of my own making. I knew I should be doing something more productive, something that would help me figure out my next move, but inertia is a bitch.
I'd wake up each morning with a vague sense of guilt, a nagging feeling that I was wasting precious time. Friends and family would ask about my plans, what I was working on, and I'd dodge their questions, offering non-committal answers. The truth is it's hard to justify the cost of returning to the US with nothing "to show for it."
Every time I got too deep in the rut, I'd have some kind of moment of clarity - brief flashes of inspiration where I'd feel a surge of determination, but they were short-lived. I'd make grand plans, write to-do lists, and tell myself that tomorrow would be different. But more often than not, tomorrow looked like today – another day spent lounging, lost in my thoughts.
It's easy to be hard on yourself in these moments, to feel like you're failing at this adventure I bragged about. Is this the time to cut my losses and go back to the life I was so clearly unsatisfied with? Is this the valley before the mountain? Where is the grand ability to overcome obstacles that I brag to people about? Where's the mental fortitude and resilience I pride myself on? I'm learning that moving locations does not make me the new person I want to be.
On the other hand, being lost isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, it's part of the process. I come out every few days with a crazy new idea of things I could do. Maybe in these quiet, seemingly unproductive moments, I'll find the seeds of my next great idea or the courage to take a leap of faith.
It's been a roller coaster of emotions. I'm learning to embrace this period of uncertainty and appreciate that I'm still within the initial bounds of my time away. Talking with Kat, Deep, Cole, and Clayton, I'm verbalizing my thoughts and realizing I might be closer to the purpose than I thought. I might be a little more inspired and centered. I might have learned something new about myself and confronted the what-if reality I dreamed of. I tell myself I'm giving myself permission to be lost, lounge, and take things slow. I'm trying to trust that this downtime is serving a purpose, even if I can't see it just yet. It's much easier said than done, but I must learn to accept it. I need to believe it's preparing me for something bigger, something that requires me to be rested and ready.
I put off writing this post for a while out of sheer embarrassment. How can I tell everyone I'm on the solo adventure of a lifetime, but instead, I'm sitting at my makeshift home picking fights with my 85-year-old grandma. I know this is something I won't regret in the grand scheme of things. I'm working on letting my mind accept it while I'm here.