The Stress of Holidays

Radhika Bhabhi and me showing off the rangoli she made.

Diwali, the Festival of Lights, the Hindu new year, and the return of Lord Ram after defeating the King of Lanka, Ravana for stealing his wife is here.

There’s a lot of festivities that I got to participate in for the first time. My cousins taught me to make a rangoli for my flat, we went shopping for decorations, and I panicked about what other preparations need to be made.

I often find that religious holidays have me in a bit of a daze. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of familiarity or the trauma of holidays past. Growing up, Indian holidays were never at a convenient time. Beyond the teenage unwillingness-to-participant, there was always random life conflicts that made celebrating stressful. I never attempted to understand what we were doing, but I knew it was something I don’t care about.

I can’t help but think what life would have been like if I put effort into enjoying those moments. The memories feel clouded with some anxiety and tension that still makes me clench up. The stress I’m carrying this Diwali makes me realize that this is not how I want to remember festivals and holidays. I want them to feel like hosting friends for dinner. There might be some stress to make sure we have everything, but I just remember the good times afterwards. The stress of Indian holidays is likely to creep back somehow someway, but I’m excited to overcome the fear..

This Diwali, I got to visit houses of nearby relatives, dance with random drummers in the middle of the night, and give my cousins a reason to have a big celebration. Moments like this remind me how lucky I am to have a family that is still living together.