A Month With Mom and Dad
My friends and I often talk about the amount of time left with our parents parents. As Americans not living with their parents, we can count all times we will interact with our parents over their lifetime, barring something major happening, on our hands. When we consider the time left to travel and exert energy on new experiences, the time is even less.
The past month has been an exception to that. My parents came to India and, for the first time since I was 18, I’m living with them. The experience has been a roller coaster with the expected challenges.
When my parents and I hang out in Maryland, it is part of a larger trip to Maryland. My dad will be working, my mom is usually working, and I’m either working or on a short break thinking about work or working remotely. The trip includes short interactions in the morning (if we’re all up around the same time), sitting for dinner in the evening, and some bottles of wine and liquor we enjoy together. These trips hold a fond place in my heart because of the high quality of interactions I have with my parents. It took me a while to realize, but the interactions are long anticipated, purposeful, and present. A week at their house also includes one night of us 3 spending time together, one night of drinking with family friends, and dinner at my parents’ favorite Indian restaurant (realistically the only place my parents go out to eat). If we’re feeling particularly adventurous, we might even go shopping together.
My parents in India completely break this routine. For starters, both my mom and I are not working. With so much time available for each other, my mom and I interact at a more comfortable pace. What does that look like you ask? After breakfast, we both lie down on the bed in different directions, discuss what we want to do, fall asleep trying to figure it out, and we run out of things to complain about. It’s the whole-hearted living together that I’ve been craving.
Some portions fit cleanly into my lifestyle in India - my mom taking over the kitchen and organizing with the cook, discussing my plans with both my grandma and mom (instead of just my grandma), eating food together, coordinating bathroom times, and of course, sharing bottles of liquor. Other portions leave me annoyed and frustrated. I’ve regressed into a teenager who is given unsolicited advice that I refuse to take seriously because I believe it’s detached from my reality. The amount of times I’ve said or thought “you just don’t get me mom and dad” is embarrassing. As a 27-year-old in this phase, I feel childish and arrogantly justified.
In my parents’ defense, I recognize that my solo-travel attitude can be difficult to live with (low-key I am concerned about my ability to live with anyone). Living alone with no responsibilities has left me impatient with stupidity (defined as disagreeing with my genius ideas). I see the world in one way and I’m frustrated that they don’t just agree with me. It took me a few days but I’m starting to realize my parents aren’t always wrong, I’m just not expecting multiple opinions.
Through the struggles of living together, I also realize it’s uncomfortable to carve out personal time with my parents around. In previous trips, I came to town prepared to commit 100% of my energy to time with them. This works for a week but looks very different over 6 weeks. A few days in, I am struggling to strike a balance between quality time with my parents and time for myself. If time was not difficult enough, sharing space with my parents is making me feel even more unbalanced. While I have a separate room, there is little personal space.
My days are either spent at the office with my dad or lounging with my mom. In between, I’m watching TV, working on a small project, or just making myself look busy. I return to eat dinner with one or both of my parents and sneak away to spend time with my cousins. I sleep super late and then wake up late to start the whole cycle again. My interaction with my parents hasn’t changed the schedule I’m on very much but it feels like it has completely changed my perceptions of control over my time.
Despite these tough interactions, it has been a fun experience seeing my parents every day. Just like the fun interactions with my Grandma, I have moments with my parents I will never forget. It took a huge leap of faith and many uncomfortable decisions to be here, but I wouldn’t trade the time for anything. Who knows, maybe one day we’ll live closer together or I’ll stay with them again.