A few days after I left Delhi, my cousin informed me that a cousin on the other side of his family was critically ill. Without a serious illness, I figured a 31-year-old would surely get better quickly. I’m still a kid, my friends are still kids, and we’re all the same age as him. I need to believe that if you get sick at this age, you get medical help, go to the hospital and you magically get better. I keep thinking to myself that he has to bounce back soon. Looking back on it now, I realize I didn’t fully understand the situation, and I should have asked for more details. I pick up on the cryptic messages my cousin is sending and go to Delhi to be with my family. This is the first time in my life that I am going to make myself available for a difficult situation rather than run away from it. 

Within 24 hours, the situation goes from bad to worse. Someone that I interacted with and heard so many amazing things about was no longer with us. I am in the vicinity of a family that is struggling to make sense of this tragedy, but I am completely helpless. There’s nothing that I can say or do that will make the situation any better; although, I keep looking for ways to make day-to-day life easier for someone. I’m not sure if it’s a sense of control, a sense of purpose, or just plain distraction, but I need to do something for someone. I also know I tend to give more than I can afford to in tough times, so I make an effort to take care of myself through all of this. I’m having trouble figuring out if I’m making things easier for people or just taking up space. This is just like the episode of How I Met Your Mother when Ted and his friends find themselves at Marshall’s dad’s funeral, feeling helpless and lost. 

My cousin Vaibhav and his wife, Radhika are so good at sensing my insecurity and saying what I need to hear. One day, while sitting with them, Vaibhav mentions that he’s very thankful that I was around during this difficult time. He says I am a huge comfort and he appreciates me being around to help take care of his dad, who had his own medical scare. I am fortunate enough to have the time and space to provide in this moment and have cousins who are so expressive with their praises. As a person who’s constantly having buyer's remorse about what could have been, this is a unique moment where I feel like I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.